5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
You Might Also Like
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
the greatest twitter interaction
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?