The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
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I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate