They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
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Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
is nasa ok
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!