We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
You Might Also Like
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.