Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
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I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.