zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
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I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Mountain Goat : )
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing