She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
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This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
This is me
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”