This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
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A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”