I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
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Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”