Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
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Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-