if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
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I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok