Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
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me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Remember folks 😂
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.