Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
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Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.