Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
You Might Also Like
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.