this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
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Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”