“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
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Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
“no gods no masters” = leo
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again