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Why can’t mirrors be nicer
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Risking my life for fun.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.