former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
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Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
We have a winner.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.