Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
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cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
#SaturdayBears
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet