Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
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Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
I already tried new things thanks.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good