Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
You Might Also Like
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!