[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
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Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
went fishing caught a bass
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.