NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
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inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
I need this for my side hustle.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
oh shit
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.