Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
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My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift