*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
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I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
The French word for sex is croissant.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
“our sushi is very fresh”
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]