I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
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Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
new shirt idea
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Word!
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.