*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
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Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
lmao
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
The 6 types of sex
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship