If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
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WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.