Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
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My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
new career option?
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.