me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
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I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?