My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
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I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
The first one, obviously
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room