Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
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*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Proofread twice, hang posters once
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
estão todos miauvindo?
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that