Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
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Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Breaking news:
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.