I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
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being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Nice try Hitler
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.