ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
You Might Also Like
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10