There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
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Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
I cannot call her anything else now
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂