SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
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Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
I love wikipedia
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords