[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
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Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
we’re dead?
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.
Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.