[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
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7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.