My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
You Might Also Like
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Truth
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.