It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
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Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
#parenting
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
I already tried new things thanks.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.