Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
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If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
That was easy.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.