I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
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Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
bias laundering edition
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!