Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
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I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.