watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
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In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit