If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
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My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Oh hi lol
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.