I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
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Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.