I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
You Might Also Like
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.