*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
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To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
this country is so goddamn polarized
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
When someone says you are so lazy
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.