Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
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It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”